The sun rose today. I’m exhausted, I barely dragged myself out of bed. This is probably because I’ve just come off a week long emotional bender and baby, I’m coming down.
That fog has lifted from my brain a little, there’s some clarity around the edges. Unfortunately, my body wants to retreat into bed and recover from a week of beating myself and others up.
I want to float weightless in the ocean. I want the water to fill my ear creating a beautiful, dark silence. This is not what I am, but who I am. I want to catch my breath but the world is still spinning. This is probably depression but it feels nice. It’s a small reprieve from the constant fire that’s been burning inside me . This beautiful nothingness is familiar and comforting.
Today I’m okay with feeling numb. I appreciate the beauty of this dark, sleepy abyss. I want it to hold me and never let me go. I don’t want to be high or low, I want to be zero. Zero thoughts and zero emotions, I think I’ll stay here a while.
At least until my BPD wakes from its nap.