I walk steadily, my pace increasing. The abyss swirls at my heels. I push through the exhaustion, propelling myself forward.
My days begin to drag, they’re drizzled and dreary. I grasp at the walls around me, my sad attempt at holding on to my sanity.
Just one more day, just one more. I’m begging you.
I usually choose to write when things are bad and since I feel like my ass has been given a boot recently, I decided to jot down some thoughts while things are good.
I’m currently listening to a book and I’m not sure that it’s anything terribly revolutionary but since applying it to my existence, my existence has perked up considerably. I am in the process of “unfucking” myself. The book doesn’t apply to mental illness all that much but I’ve decided to take advantage of the time I spend not so down and irrational.
I’ve always wanted to lose weight. 2 kids, a binge eating disorder and a slew of beautifully described mental illnesses have always kept me down. Well, I’ve always kept me down because of it. When I began my journey of losing 100lbs I was in the midst of one hell of a emotional meltdown. Perhaps the sudden idea came from deluded, impulsive behaviours but for once it was in my better interest and wouldn’t take a toll of my bank account.
One day I woke up and I was keto. A few days later I was down 10lbs. Today, at the 90 day mark, I’ve lost almost 50lbs. I also finished listening to Unfu*ck Yourself, a book that quite literally may save the good parts of my life. For a girl who only flourishes in the sunlight, this cloudy day has been one of the best I’ve had in years. Nothing has happened, no remarkable, life changing even has taken place. Except, I’m fucking happy.
The weather is cloudy and cool. I haven’t seen the sun in days but perhaps I haven’t been looking.
There are slices of the world in which I seek solace, I seek refuge. I walk amongst the trees, listening to the wind in the leaves.
I smile at passers by, the loneliness doesn’t touch me here. The warmth in a strangers hello makes the day less cloudy.
I empty my emotions in to the trees, into the grass. Soft caws and children playing drown out the voices, grounding me in reality.
How much time have a lost to this? How much more will I lose? For a moment I don’t care, for just a moment, I’m unburdened.
I sit in the tub, trying scald away the emotions. Disappointment and grief have grabbed hold and I can’t shake them. I want to burn away the ice cold grip. They’re just words, I tell myself. Why are you so worked up?
My accomplishments feel meaningless, the jealously of the mentally well-beings might do my head in. I yearn to be okay.
I scream internally and it echoes in my loneliness. Why did you choose me? This insufferable sadness makes me rage at my weakness. They’re just words.
I pick my fingers. I pick my clothes. I pick glue off the table.
I chew my cheeks, I chain smoke, I binge eat.
I’m nervous, the anxiety feels crushing. Frozen yet vibrating. I look up every time a car passes by.
The need to be loved, to be whole, so overwhelming my throat aches with pain.
There’s a pit in my stomach the size of you, it’s cruel and unforgiving, swirling and clenching.
I need to vomit, my body aches for the final grand gesture, just end it all now.
There’s a tear in my atmosphere, a wound that won’t heal.
I sit and I wait for you, knowing you’ll never come.
Pick. Pick. Chew.
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..
Keep moving, it won’t catch you. Pace. Walk. Pace. Jog. Not too fast, you don’t want to slip. Just keep moving.
No time for stopping, put off the emotional crash as long as you can. I know your legs are like lead, but you can’t let it catch you yet. Wait. Emotional release in the dead of night. Happy Birthday to you.
As I rise, you kick me. You slam your foot right into my chest. The anxiety numbing my limbs like an ice bath, just when I could breathe again.
I want to move forwards. Correction, I need to.
A heavy blanket of fog drifts over me. There ain’t no sunshine anymore. False interest, move along. I’m not wanted, don’t kid yourself.